I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
