I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
