party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize