Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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