I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
