You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
