So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
