I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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