Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
