I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I didn't notice because vodka
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
