Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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