I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
