meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
