I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
