You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you didnt know i had herpes?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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