I wish my penis had an off switch
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
