You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
