She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
