Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
