when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
