Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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