It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
