you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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