My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she peed on how many people?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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