I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
