just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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