Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
