I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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