If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
