i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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