you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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