Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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