You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
