Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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