whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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