he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
