Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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