walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
