so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
