I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize