I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
