My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize