my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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