I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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