I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
