There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't deserve a penis
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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