Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
