VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
