when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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