Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
