I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I faked an abortion last night.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
