We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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