I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
