I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize