So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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