I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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