Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
