:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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