my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just had sex on a roof
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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