just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
