Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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