And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
