your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
