i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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