I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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