My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
