I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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