ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
