..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
