I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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